Casualties of war
by the-local-parselmouth
Summary: Both Lily and Severus always knew it would come to this. Snily with mentioned Jily. Rated T to be on the very safe side.


**Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter I wouldn't have to type the majority of my Fanfic on my phone due to a lack of computer.**

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Waiting. Why was he taking so long to answer the door? It felt like it had been an hour since she knocked and yet she knew that in reality, only 1 minute could possibly have passed. She never usually minded waiting; just a few short months ago she had told him that if she had to she would happily wait forever for him, not today though, today was finally the day that she had always known deep down would come.

It was one of those days where you could tell that the sun was there, merely out of reach, obscured by that seemingly impenetrable wall of cloud. There was no wind or rain, just gloom. The calmness of the weather seemed alien in contrast to the inner workings of her mind right now, which were practically swirling with the force of a tornado.

It was taking a conscious effort on her part to still her hands; they kept trying to intertwine, to wrap themselves in her hair or fiddle with the hem of her shirt, fidgeting was a nervous habit of hers. As was grinding her teeth- something she was also trying not to do (it was a terrible habit that had started early in her childhood). He knew all of these habits, just as he knew every little thing about her, and she didn't want him on edge from the very start.

Finally she heard the tell-tale sounds of someone approaching and the door was pulled open just a crack, as always, the chain remaining on to give him those few seconds to react in case of an attack. Everyone knew to always be ready for attack these days; even Death Eaters.

When the dark-haired man saw the identity of his visitor his face contorted into a smile (well the closest you could expect to a smile from Severus) and he removed the chain and retreated into the house, leaving the door ajar and knowing that even though he hadn't invited her, Lily would follow- once she had gotten all the way to his door he was sure that yes, this time, she had returned.

The emotions that had crossed his face were the ones that she always saw when she visited, happiness and relief. When she'd inquired about the relief he had reviled (after a lot of coaxing) that after she left, he always thought she would never return, she had pulled him into an embrace and promised that she would always return. Upon reflection the green-eyed woman wished she had never made promises she couldn't keep.

Most people, when looking upon Sev, decided that he couldn't possibly feel emotion as there was none shown on his face. Lily, of course, knew better. The emotion was there just well hidden and after all her years of practice she could read him like a book; A part of her was actually pleased that no one else could see his emotions, it made her feel like they were a part of him just for her.

The house was just as dark as always and it did nothing to lighten her mood, unconsciously her right hand rose to take hold of a lock of her deep red hair and began twisting and pulling, more nervous habits. Humans were creatures of habit, and this was proven further as she turned into the library/study that Sev always lead her too and sure enough that's where she found him.

Barely one step into the room and she was enveloped in strong yet thin arms that held her just as tight as ever and despite herself she relaxed into the familiar comfort. Ironically, after what she was here to do, the hug helped clear her head. Sighing deeply she pulled back and found those all too familiar lips against hers. She tried not to respond, really, but it felt so right.

They had been together since before Hogwarts, friends back then, but eventually much more and his lips always felt like home, tasted of home. How was she expected to do without this? Everyone always told her that she was so strong but Severus was the source of that strength and with his love taken away how would she replenish her reserves? How could she continue to battle in this ferocious, unforgiving war without her home?.

Feeling the sting of tears she broke the kiss and stepped back, eyes fixed firmly on the floor (yes she felt like an utter coward but how could she be expected to do this to him?). With one hand he took a hold of one of hers and with the other he gently cupped her cheek forcing her to look into his dark brown eyes, so brown they were almost black.

"Lily?" was all he said, voice soft and inquisitive but not prying. He never forced her to talk about her problems if she didn't wish; merely assuming they were something to do with James. Her heart beat increased rapidly and she had to forcibly refrain from grinding her teeth.

"Sev I" she began but she didn't know how to continue 'Where is your famous strength now Lily?' she asked herself as she forced herself to go on "Sev, I have something to tell you" Her voice decreasing in volume with every word until it was practically a whisper.

Her loves eyes widened and he said "To do with us?" at her nod he then asked "and to do with James?" she nodded again found she could no longer hold back the insistent flood of tears. He was always so clever, permanently 5 steps ahead of everyone else, of course he had guessed what she was about to day after all it had been his worst nightmare for as long as either of them could remember.

When she didn't elaborate, only continuing to cry he carried on "you're getting married aren't you? "Despite her tears she forced herself to hold his gaze, he looked as though his world had just ended and she felt sick: sick with worry for her dark lover and sick with disgust at her own actions. Well he already knew now, he deserved the full explanation.

"he proposed just last night at dinner, I didn't want to say yes. I love James-"Severus recoiled as though burned and she found herself facing broad shoulders covered in finely tailored, dark robes. She seized his shoulder and tried to pull him to face her, she couldn't stand it, she was suffocating in guilt and worry and sorrow, he needed to understand and so she continued "I love James but nowhere near as much as I love you, it's always been us for as long as I remember".

This was met with silence and she was becoming desperate but then she heard his quiet reply, his tone of voice was defeated, heartbroken "I have been waiting for this day ever since the beginning, nothing this good is ever meant for me. I tried to tell you, I just wish that you hadn't made promises and done such a good job of beginning to convince me that maybe you were actually here to stay".

At this she felt the cracks that had settled into her heat force their way In further "please Sev, we talked about his. You know I wish I could stay but it just isn't safe".

"Safe? You can't use that as an excuse, nowhere is safe" He said as he rounded on her, looking the very picture of bitter defeat laced with heavy doses of anger.

At these words she felt her own fury ignite, they had had this conversation! "Severus you are a death-eater! You may be willing to overlook the fact that I am a muggleborn but I'm pretty sure your little friends wouldn't, we cannot be together publicly otherwise we will both be targets. We are both to important in this war to throw everything away like that".

For a while they stood in silence as the truth of these words gradually burned its way through his anger but with the anger gone, the scene was much worse, now he just looked like defeat personified "your right" He said, voice hoarse and barely audiable.

She crossed the space between them in less than a second and wrapped her arms around him but he remained limp, Her tears started afresh and she began to visibly sob. "Sev-"

"no, I knew what I was getting into when I joined the Death-Eaters just as surely as I knew what I had with you could not last." He broke free of the circle of her arms and cupped her face in both hands "as long as you are with me you are not safe, I have no one to blame but myself"

"Please" she hiccoughed "please don't say that, this isn't your fault, you're not the Dark lord, he is the root of the problem here". He shook his head but said

"regardless it is useless to place fault, this is the situation as it stands" his eyes gained a faraway look as he moved in and placed a chaste kiss on those soft and now salty with tears lips that he so loved. Sighing he looked into her eyes one last time and said "I love you, I cannot allow you to be in danger because I am selfish, you must marry Potter, he will keep you safe. Know always that I love you" And with that he left the room.

The sorrow that seized her was so great that she shook with the force of her tears, this was it really it was over and Severus- her dear sweet Severus- was graciously accepting it because it would keep her safe, totally disregarding his own emotional and mental well-being. At this point she knew that she could never love another as she had loved him.

Now though the world and the war must go on for in war the word pause held no meaning. What did war care if something so life altering, so heart breaking had just happened? Hearts were broken all the time in war, two more would not make a difference. It wasn't the tiny details, but the overall picture that mattered in war and I the end, their love was just another casualty.

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**Thank you so much for reading, reviews are much appreciated **** x**


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